Monday, September 8, 2008

So I have This Friend......

my age, I went to school with her.  She's the type of girl who is very supportive of every stupid thing Ive ever done in my life (and continue to do).  Over the years she has gone "off the derech", (as I did at one point) but has told me that she has been going to chabad and has expressed an interest in being frum again, but through all of this talk, she continues to date her non-Jewish boyfriend.  The reason, she says, is that no frum guy wants her right now (she hasn't actually made the commitment to be frum again, so THAT would be why).

Now she tells me that, with her (frum) parents blessing, she will be marrying her non-Jewish boyfriend in the near future.  She wants to have children and a family, etc.  She insists that she will be able to send her children to yeshiva and be frum, even though her husband isnt Jewish, and maybe she can.  However, thought Im very much a "live and let live" kind of person, I strongly disagree, and am having a REALLY hard time feeling excited for her.

On one hand, I guess if she's happy, and her parents dont care, then, why should I?  I suppose the answer lies in the bigger picture.  I strongly feel that to intermarry, and by extension, support it, is to contribute to the downfall of the Jewish people.  (For the record, my SO thinks this is a very extreme view).

So now, what do I do?  So far I have managed to steer wedding talk to a different topic, but its only a matter of time before I will be forced to say something, either outright, or in the form of declining an invitation.

What would you do?


MK said...

My two cents FWIW -
Firstly I don't understand how her frum parents could possible agree (much less bless) to this marriage. (I guess is they just realized that she wouldn't listen anyway, so why fight it. She takes this as their "agreeing".)
Secondly, she is fooling herself if she thinks any frum, i.e. Orthodox, yeshiva will take her children. I'm not what the Conservative/Reform view on this is, but I'm pretty sure even they frown on intermarriage. And, as you are well aware, it will be very difficult on the child.
I agree with you that intermarriage is destroying the Jewish people as a whole. This threat is recognized by Jewish leaders across the spectrum. i.e. the whole "Who is a Jew?" question.

As far as your response,I would suggest if I may, that you could let her know that feelings for her will not change, but that you disagree with her decision.

It's really tough. I had a very good friend who went "off". We stayed friends, but I made it clear that I disapproved of his behavior.

One last suggestion. It is well known that tephilous said when lighting candles Friday night are very powerful. Ask Hashem to help her do Tshuva when you light candles.

Tr8erGirl said...

MK - she claims her parents just want her to settle down and have a family (they are a bit wacky).

Re: raising children...I told her the same thing about schools. I guess it would be one thing if she wasnt claiming to want to be "frum" while married to this guy. I think her idea of what "frum" is is warped...

Anyway - I guess I'll keep my mouth shut until I have to reject a wedding invitation...


Mrs. Lakewood falling down said...

I feel really bad about your dilemma. I have a cousin (who grew up conservative)and she is currently dating a non jew and my mother told her point blank- I love you, you are special to me but under no uncertain terms do i condone this nor will i participate in the wedding. It's really hard for us especially because while her parents disagree with her dating (for a really long time)a non jew, they feel it's her choice and that they don't have a say in the matter. As I noticed this post I had just gotten back from a visit with them (my uncle is sitting shiva for his father.) My uncle had basically asked us not to turn away from my cousin and he made it clear that he did not agree with my mom on the matter. I felt horrible. It is a complex situation and no one wins. There is nothing good that comes out of these unions especially when babies come. all of a sudden non religious people have definite religious views that they want to impart to their children "happy chismahannukah." I recently read "life is a test" by Rebbetzin Jungreis and she deals with this issue but unless you can get your friend involved in Hineni org. and reaquainted with a love of torah there is bound to be problems. I wish you all the best and i hope your friend sees her mistake before it's too late.

Tr8erGirl said...

Mrs. LFD:
Im sorry for your family's loss....

You're right - everyone changes their tune about religion when kids come into the picture (I did!)

Thanks for the recommendation on Hineni - I didnt even think of it! And though she's been with Chabad and stopped, perhaps its another avenue. Far be it from me give mussar to anyone....but.....IDK - I think the issue REALLY important!